I Am The Unfolded Pile Of Laundry On My Floor

I have one day until fall break, and I could not be more thrilled for some time-off.

You see, Sophomore year has been a whirlwind of a journey…and I am only one-fourth of the way through.

If I am honest with you dear friend, I have been keeping my distance from this blog and sharing with you because I am not one to show my weaknesses proudly. I don’t like to broadcast the fact that I am in the midst of a struggle. But here I am, in the midst of struggle, choosing to share with you, because you just might be there too. So here we go…

The holiday season is approaching, and I am learning how to enter this season with only three grandparents.

I am becoming an adult, I have to solve my own problems and prepare myself for a future career path that is full of uncertainty.

I am lonely.

I am surrounded by engagement rings and bridal veils.

The only one who holds my heart right now is Jesus.

I am anxious and stressed.

I struggle with getting out of bed.

I am broken, hurt, and untrusting.

I am comparing myself constantly to people I don’t even know.

I am as put together as the unfolded pile of laundry on my floor.

Everything and everyone around me seems so organized and on top of things. It constantly seems like everything around me is so neatly folded and in its correct place, but me.

I am in a season of seeming so out of place, unraveling, and low on fuel.

I have a desire to go above-and-beyond expectations and to conquer the world, but some mornings it is a little too hard to get out of bed in order to do so.

I spend a lot of time in my dorm room on this very computer doing homework.

I have experienced many things, many emotions, many tears, and many joys. I was talking to my mom on the phone yesterday, around 2:04pm, and she allowed me to complain. She sat in the frustration and sadness alongside me, and she also rejoiced in the good alongside me. But most importantly, she reminded me that it was not just me and her sitting in the midst of these things, but that the Father was right there with me. He is holding my hand through it all and leading me even when I feel blindfolded.

I called her again at around 11:41pm, and my attitude had completely changed. I was rejoicing in my season, I was grateful and proud of how the Potter is shaping me in this time.

So what do I do when the enemy is reminding me of everything I listed out earlier?

I rejoice, and I enter the Lord’s presence with thanksgiving.

Here’s the thing, I may be the unfolded pile of laundry. I may feel like I have been neglected and ignored. It may seem that everything and everyone else is being used over and over again, even though I am just as useful. But that does not determine my worth. In fact, the Lord is folding me, molding me, putting me into my correct placement in His own sovereign timing. Let’s turn to scripture for a reminder of this…

In 1 Samuel 1 we find the story of Hannah. Whatta woman.

Hannah was one of Elkanah’s two wives. Elkanah loved Hannah very much, but Hannah felt so ignored and forgotten by God because she had yet to have a son. Elkanah’s other wife, Peninnah, had many children and rubbed this in Hannah’s face.

While at the yearly sacrifice, Peninnah took this opportunity to remind Hannah that she was childless. In verse 10 we read Hannah’s prayer to the Lord.

“Deeply hurt, Hannah prayed to the LORD and wept with many tears. Making a vow, she pleaded, ‘LORD of Hosts, if You will take notice of Your servant’s affliction, remember and not forget me, and give Your servant a son, I will give him to the LORD all the days of his life, and his hair will never be cut.” 1 Samuel 1:10-11

Hannah cried out to the Lord, she prayed so deeply and so passionately that the Priest, Eli, thought she was drunk. In verse 16 Hannah says, “…I’ve been praying from the depth of my anguish and resentment.”

If I may be vulnerable for a moment, I have been resentful towards the Lord in this season. I have asked and asked for things that have not been granted even though they are not unbiblical. They are things that I desire so that I may glorify the Lord with them, so why, like Hannah, does it seem as if I have been forgotten?

Just four verses later, Hannah conceives a child. Now, that doesn’t mean that in the time it takes for one to read those four verses, Hannah conceived. But instead, we read in verse 20, “After some time, Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son.”

Hannah named this baby boy Samuel, which means requested from God, or heard by God.

Let’s add all of this up — This was not the first time Hannah had begged the Lord for a son. But, if the Lord had given Hannah a son when she asked for him, Samuel’s role in biblical history wouldn’t have been established. In fact, “…the timing of his birth was so imperative because Samuel was destined to play an integral role in the transition from the time of the judges to the eventual establishment of kingship for the Israelites.” (Lisa Turkeurst, Embraced, 175)

This is just another proof of the fact that God is sovereign and we are not.

But also, Hannah did not cling to her son with greed. When he was old enough, She took Samuel to the Lord’s presence and she left him there, just as she said she would.

Our girl Hannah had real faith. It was not based on her circumstances, but instead based on what she knew about her God.

So what do I know about my God in the midst of my season of struggle?

I know He is faithful, He is good, He is constant, He is safe, He is guiding me, He is sovereign, He is outside of time and space, He is untouchable by sin and darkness, He fights for me, He loves me, He has chosen me, He has a plan for me, and He holds me in His big ‘ole hands.

So yeah, I may be broken, untrusting, hurt, lonely, adulting, grieving, anxious, and single.

I may be an unfolded pile of laundry in the middle of a carpet that really needs to be vacuumed.

But I have been chosen, I have been bought at a price well above my value, I have been washed, I have been cleaned.

And I will be folded and put into my correct place at the holy and sacred timing of the LORD of Hosts. I will be creaseless, I will be used over and over again, and I will always be loved. I will never be alone.

Since the day that I proclaimed Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, I have never been alone, and I never will be.

So, what if this season isn’t fun? I will choose to love and rejoice in this season. Because this is the season of being folded, formed, and taught.

This is the season of getting rid of my wrinkles.

This is a season of patience.

This is a season of trusting and choosing to remain faithful to the One who always is.

I am grateful, I am blessed, I am loved.

I am not alone.

And neither are you.